Asking the Question...

Does having a smoke or two on a weekend (ok, so maybe every other Thursday too as part of the downtown pub crawl) constitute failing? So, am I wrong (or kidding myself) that I've been a non-smoker for two months as of tomorrow, even though I may have had a few in the last two months? I'd like to think i'm somewhat victorious about the last two months. I mean, I don't smoke in my car, I don't smoke at home during the week, I just save it for being out and about.

Just wondering.

Sorry for Cheating on You, Alfredo

I've actually changed filling up my tank to another gas station. Better Price? Nope. Better location? Nope, further even.

The reason?

Alfredo, behind the thick security window. He would always recognize my car and have my $10 3-pack of Marlborough Menthols ready for me. Always with a smile and that sexy accent greeting me.

But I've been cheating on him. I've been going to a different station for the last 45 days that I've haven't bought cigs. Couldn't stand the guilt that I couldn't see him anymore and that I didn't have the balls to tell him it's over between us. It's hard to end a relationship that's brought me so much pleasure. And this morning I did that crappy gutless move... went to my old gas station, ignored him, and even kept my back to him.

Alfredo, it's for the better. You may hate me now, but you'll realize in the end that it's for the best. I'll never forget you.

OH NO! #1

What is it about old patterns are hard to rid of? Friday I was just jazzed that I was oh so close to 30 days not smoking. A few friends (ex-smokers) where "hey, you've made it this far, so you're already there," until Friday night...

My best bud had a free weekend from the wifey and I told him to come on over the the weekend. I knew I was doomed from the start because we love to push our vices. There's nothing better than laying on the floor in front of the TV with a cool breeze blowing in, a pack of smokes, bottles of V&T and glasses of ice, and do absolutely nothing. Oh, I take that back. We do talk about things we could do, but we figure the best option is exactly what were doing! And nap.

Sure, he talked about his 30 day Nicotene patch supply sitting at home, and my Nicotene lozenges are sitting on my counter laughing at me. I've given myself permission to just go for it this weekend. Hope I'm not kidding myself.

Suzukasu

Say what? No, not a form of suicide or some new fetish. Suzukasu [soft and mild flavored based cake made by high quality what and fresh eggs]. Of course they're from Famima.

My sweet reward for the 20th day of not smoking [yeah, don't remind me of the slip up, I'm still coughing up a lung].

Sure, already got called chunky or chubby, I forget and still giggle about it, but I was down 3 lbs this morning. After a lunch of two slices of Next Door Pizza, the chunkster was ready for some sweet sweets.

500 calories, 8 g fat.

(just had to check and realized they're much healthier than Pockies...NOOOOOOOO!)

Meltdown or Pay Back?

Spent the weekend sick in bed. Summer flu? Nicotine crash? Exhausted from work and fun? Yes, yes, and yes. It all started with a tickle in my throat Friday morning after a night of drinking, a few cigarettes, and a whole lot of guilt for the smokes. Friday night I went out with my bestie and friends. Don't know why I was on edge emotionally; I was a bit more sensitive that night than usual. At a certain point I find that I'm getting teary eyed. I had had such a good week of fun, but tonight I felt different. Wanting more, missing some things about my life, and wishing things were different.

I hate public display of emotions. Realizing that a nicotine emotional crash is imminent, I crawl into a cab as I start sobbing uncontrollably. I held off the wailing until I got home. And continued for 24 hours. Commercials for Princess Di's tribute concert, pithy lines from Salem (Sabrina the Teenage Witch), and yes, 3 hours of The Color Purple, which I had never seen. A day of uncontrollable sobbing.

If any of the weight gain was water, I'm sure I'd be down a few pounds (just weighed myself out of curiosity, no water loss, probably because of the gallon of ice cream, cans of Chef Boyarde sausage ravioli, and the Kan Pao San Yan and Tawainese noodles I had delivered for dinner). But hey, still holding on to those extra lbs.

See, I'm NOT a Liar!

Thursday night I gave into peer pressure and decided to smoke a few cigarettes with my smoking buddies during a night of revelry, hanging out in a cool downtown space with flowing shots and drinks. It was so "After-School Special" to hear, "come on Ramon, it's only one cigarette." or "You'll be ok to just have one." At least I was smart enough to have somebody else buy the pack and refuse to keep the pack when the night ended. I think I smoked 5, including two for the road home. Aw, that sweet habit of driving home with a cig.

Damn You, Pocky

Ever tried a Pocky? They're delicious and addictive. Might as well provide them in methadone clinics.

They're made in Japan, and the package tells you "Stick to fun! Pocky!" They're baked wheat cracker dipped in various coatings or flavored. My favorite is the Men's Bitter Chocolate (guess women can't handle strong chocolate in Japan). They're 5- 1/4" long and 1/16" diameter of sheer eating pleasure in the shape of a hypodermic needle full of yumminess, packaged in a newly designed box containing two foil wrapped packages. I could tell you the fat and calorie content but I would probably start crying because I just finished the newly purchased box before finishing this entry.

Damn you, Pocky, and damn you, Famima!! for being so convenient to my home and work.

http://www.glico.co.jp/en/corp/profile3a.htm

20g fat, 400 calories

10 Days - Gain 8 lbs - Ask Me How!

Quit smoking the day after your birthday, eat everything in sight, and let all your friends take you out for birthday eating/drinking celebrations 5 out of 7 days of the week for 30 days. See, I celebrate my birthday the whole month. It's not that I'm selfish or am making up for never having elementary school-day celebrations being a summer child (ok, maybe a bit jealous of that).

But I celebrate the whole month because that way nobody gets offended by forgetting the actual day of your birthday, large group dinners are so uncomfortable because you're the center of attention, but then you only get to speak to the 4 people seated immediately around you. Instead I spend quality time with quality people at quality places. Bragging time: Weekend in Vegas, Sona, Le Chamberlain, Watergrill, The Foundry on Melrose, to name a few. With all the money I've saved this month, I might be able to make an extra mortgage payment. Naw, I'll use it to go shopping for pants with a larger waist size.

Deception vs. Skepticism

Why is that some people think I'm lying when I tell them that I haven't had a cigarette in X number of days. It's not like I can hide the smell of cigarettes if I did happen to smoke, BUT I HAVEN'T. People are so good about annoyingly telling me that I smoke too much. Then when I tell them I've quit, it turns to, "oh sure" or "yeah, right."

I'd be ok with, "again?" or "How many times does this make?" Skepticism, sarcasm, derision are all fine by me. Odds are I'll probably fall off the wagon again. But as long as I can convince myself that I'm giving my body a break, or that this time it's for real, even if it doesn't turn out to be, just say "good for you!"

Just don't call me a liar.

The Calculus Of Quitting

I went to Frisco on a business trip the Monday after my birthday weekend, and I bought myself a new wardrobe as a birthday present. Now I regret it. I should have used the basic reward strategy that for every day I don't smoke, I can set that money aside and reward myself at the end of a time period.

I screwed up and did it backwards. Instead of a reward, I'm in a debit mode. So I can't smoke until frick'n October. But now that the pants don't fit from the recent weight gain. Does that mean I can return the pants and move up the drop dead date of not failing by a month?

Why I Don't Need One

Day 6 of not having a cigarette. I chose to quit last Saturday morning because it was the day after my birthday. What better gift to give myself then the gift of health. That's what I was thinking then. Now, Friday afternoon before the weekend festivities are to begin, I ask, "What the hell was I thinking."

What to do with all this free time not taking smoking breaks? This, and eat. Eat a lot. Four donut holes, a chocolate sprinkle donut, and sugar covered one within 3 hours at the office today. The half gallon ice cream last few nights (hey, at least it was the cherry soy cream from TJ's instead of the full fat one). Or the Porto's (cuban pastry/sandwich) stop on the way home from Burbank airport. The media noche, two potato balls, two pastries, and small loaf of bread didn't even make it to Muholland Dr...that's 30 minutes of eating in traffic.

So, good bye 145 lb frame, because, no, you don't really need one, cigarette, that is.